Heading To Jerusalem

Shortly after deciding to go to Jerusalem, something I saw reminded me of where I was going and a deep welling up of my soul overcame me. Tears oozed over my cheeks.

I can’t believe I am going to walk where Jesus walked!

As I gathered supplies for the trip, I thought, if I was that emotional before I went, I need to bring lots and lots of tissue. What I did not realize at the time was, I was setting myself up for expectations on the trip.

How our hearts grab hold of those things, we think will give life.

As we traveled from place to place the first day or two, I found myself feeling disappointed. I did not need to use any of those tissues. I wondered, where was my spirituality? Where is that touch from God that exudes a plethora of tears of joy?

As I voiced this to a few in the group, they helped me realize I was putting my faith in my emotions. Expecting to feel God through emotions in this place where Jesus walked.

Monday night we joined as a group. As I reflected to see if I had something to share, I looked at what was going on inward as we journeyed so far. I voiced that this place, where Jesus walked, is not what is so important. It does not give Life. What I have in me, the Living Spirit, is what gives life. I realized how I was making this place an idol…. just as the Jews.

I believe that the Spirit within me allowed me to have little emotion. He held back those emotions, in order to help me see what my heart was doing. He lovingly did so, so that I would have my focus on Him who lives within me. The One who gives Life.

Journey with Shame

I have recently been on a journey with God that has been quite amazing, as He is. His desire, to draw me closer to Him through struggles. He has brought to attention the ways I grasp and hold shame. From single incidences years ago. He faithfully revealed, as I asked, those events that I held onto the shame. The purpose, going back and giving compassion, having emotion for those moments I was not able to as a child. Ways I just pushed forward, ways I did not allow myself to feel, for it was very painful. Now as an adult becoming healthier with His guidance, I can return to those incidences and feel. I can stay in the revisited pain, with Him. Not running away, or moving forward. It will not destroy me. But I can sit with Him and have compassion for who I was, for who I am today as a result , as He comforts my soul. We have choices whether to take hold of shame when it is brought to us. I can choose not to carry it. It is Christ who came to carry that burden. So, I shake off those chains to shame. I leave them unanswered. Releasing me from them. I choose to believe I am a child of God beloved by Him, even in the imperfection, as He graciously, patiently changes my heart to be more like Him.

Awakening

How do we be,

Become

Who we were made to be?

Without pressures,

Without faces,

Without back turning

To comfortable places,

How do we become

Truer to ourselves,

Recognizing the weight

Of the facades

We wield,

To be

Creative in expressing

What gift He gave,

Expressing Him,

Being vulnerable with emotion,

Gentle with True motive,

Dependent on Him,

Releasing the starkness

Of our cover,

To be loved by Him

Maine’s Spiritual Retreat

Prior to leaving for my retreat of three days, I found myself stalling by the actions I was witnessing in myself. I was confused why I would stall for something I have been desiring for so long. Maybe it was doubt that God would show up. Maybe it was fear for what He would show me, in who I presently am. ( I have a tendency to grasp at shame, that drives my emotions. Which is not the healthiest, but where God has me in growing more aware of it, as it drives me to do what I do. Trying to control my world for my acceptance of a world that cannot be controlled.)

I began the trip within scripture, to base and frame my thoughts, thinking deeply of who He is, and who I am within His story. Then I meandered through each day. Not knowing if where I was or what I was doing was where He would be. I allowed the whispers of turn here, stop there to direct me. It felt abstract as I went, but as I engaged with whatever it was, a profound sense of God appeared.

So many things pointed to Him. Like the hotel I stayed at, I discovered it was in the town of Bethlehem, NH. I started my retreat, my journey with Him at Bethlehem!! I felt the question weighing on me, will this be a journey that profoundly shifts something deep in me to be more deeply like Him as I leave?

As I turned around, missing a turn in one place, I discovered a sign posted that stated Bethlehem is the poetry capital of NH. I could not stop laughing and laughing with God over such a profound thing. Such a gift!

As I was finishing a hike on a trail, which was eerily quiet with no birds or squirrels, it started to hail small pellet-sized hail. It really poured and I heard snow-thunder!! I roared a loud laugh!! He knew it would touch my heart in such a playful, delightful way that only He could do. Relieving stress and allowing me to just enjoy being with Him and Him with me.

Each day God had a gift waiting for me in my spiritual giftedness, affirming who I am in Christ, being an encourager, a Barnabas, and an artist (never thought I would say that about myself!!) in photography and poetry.

Even gifts within what I saw from place to place, witnessing the edge of fall and winter, so close a two-edged sword to divide as fall leaves were on the trees and snow in patches on the ground. Reminding me of ways that sheer pleasure in Him and the aching ways He molds me come hand in hand, side by side.

Rushing waters at the streams and rivers very powerfully stating His love that is ever-flowing, and even overflowing. At times, without my own recognition of it. His love unseen by me, unused as I cling to what does not fill me like Him.

His love was so overwhelming, so assuring, so comforting, affirming that I am His beloved child.

The Dawn of the Morning

The dawn of the morning
On the third day
Spices were brought

All that was seen
Was folded linen wrappings
Where His body laid in the tomb

No body of Christ

Unbelief captured them
Not knowing what to think

The words Jesus said
Still not understanding
In the depths of their heart

As each disciple was told
Their mind confused
The Truth
Just out of reach

A vision of angels
Spoke He is not here
He has risen

He is living
Not among the dead

The Spirit
Revealing its meaning
Now understanding
In the depths of their heart

Hallelujah!
Amen!

The dawn of a New Day
The Light of Christ
Overcoming the grave

As the day moved forward
Jesus appeared
To His disciples

Standing in front of them
Not as spirit
But as flesh and bone

They broke bread
And communed
Together

He said Peace be with you
As the Father sent me
I also send you

The Holy Spirit
Empowering us
To have courage

Sharing His story
Among others
For years to come

Quicksand’ s Phalanges

Straining to seize
The Sword

Sensing
The clutches
Of quicksand’s phalanges

No moorings
To secure a substratum

Just an abyss
Entrenched
In seduction

Till

A span
Of synergy

Bestowed
A solid
Infrastructure

Separating skin
From Spirit

Broken I Come

Broken I come
Ready
To be filled

My insecurities
Demanding
From me still

How do I live
In that tension?
Wanting to serve Him
Without my sin
In tow?

How do I love
By His commands
In this world
Today?

What does that mean
Practically
Day to day?

Sitting at His feet
My flesh
In the Light

What depths He
Revealed
In the crevices
Of my life

Spirit come
Flourish
To shine His Light

Bring a joy
Unheard
In brokenness

My sin still
In tow

Trusting Him
Where I am

Broken I come
Ready
To be filled

Pure Love

With a pureness
Of heart
God loves
His children

In ways they can not
Fathom
All for their good

Helping them
To grasp
The meaning
Of love

Unwanting
Just being

Revealing flesh
Then Spirit
Can grow

A love
Honed

More
Like Him

Purifying
The impurities

Loving
More purely

Rejuvenate

I find there are times
In this life
Where I recognize the need
For a break

I lean towards
Physically resting
That rebounds
Body and thoughts

But sometimes
I need to go further
Resting in the Spirit
Moving closer to Him

Where He rejuvenates
My connection with Him
Bringing me to a place
Like heaven

Preparing my heart
For another day
Shining Him

Building Faith

Lord, what is going on inside?
I was walking in the Spirit
Two days before
Confident of who I was in Christ
Pouring out my heart

Then yesterday
Crashed as I have before

I just questioned
Who I am
I do that here and there

Lately not tripping me
But rebounding
After the thought

But two days before
It snagged me good
Left my Spirit
In the woods
Lost in time
Where is mine?

Struggling
To pour
Keeping it tightly stored

Feeling as though
I watch from above
My lips moving
But my mind not engaging

How do I bring back
His name
What has brought
This plight
Far from a delight

Am I the reason?
Is confession needed?
Do I need to go deeper
My idols unearthing?
Or does He have
A Master plan?

Using moments like these
To grow me more like Him

Building faith
As I recall
His fame
Proving my belief
Knowing all things are of Him

While the Psalms cry out
The glory of His Name